Fifty

 So yesterday I came across this meme and reposted it on my Instagram and Facebook accounts:

A couple hours after it was posted my husband said something like, "How many people have asked you what's going on?" I was a little confused-he proceeded to explain that he read the meme as something someone who had been very depressed for years would post to tell everyone that they were starting to be less depressed.  I said, "Hmm...I read it as a woman who recently turned 50. and was thinking about being middle-aged" 😁 So now I feel the "need" to write about it a little more so y'all don't worry about me...or maybe you will anyway...whatever ...😃.  I suspect the following is going to read like a high school English essay in which I "analyze the poem and determine the author's purpose and what it means to me".😄

I turned fifty in January.  In the midst of a global pandemic.  So there wasn't a party, there wasn't a trip to Vegas to see Gwen Stefani, there wasn't a girl's trip or a couples trip, a family vacation, or, well, any of the things I thought I might do for my fiftieth birthday.  There was, however some self-reflection about definitely being middle-aged.  During long-ish solo drives to and from school, my mind wanders to all the things I once thought I'd do. ( the line: "It is time to forgive yourself for all the things you did not become")  Not things that I'm sad I didn't do...but all the things that I once thought I wanted to do.  Things like join the Peace Corps, be a school administrator, homeschool my kids, open an alternative school...Hmm.. those all have to do with education in some way.  Interesting.  Some things that I could still do, but most that I no longer feel the pull to do--I have other goals and dreams these days (like retiring and raising goats....😄?)  I read the meme as "it's ok to let go of the things you used to think you wanted and embrace new hopes and dreams...even if you are 50...or 60..or 90....".

As a teacher, the next sentence, "It is time to exonerate yourself for all the people you couldn't save, for all the fragile hearts you fumbled with, in the dark of your confusion.", struck a nerve.  The first part especially is something I think about a lot--about the students who I "couldn't save" or I don't know what happened to them after they left me--the "I hope they are alright".  I sometimes beat myself up a little about I could have/should have done more for my former students...what if I had...but...I know that is in God's hands.  I've said before that I believe my job as a teacher is to plant seeds and to hope that those seeds flower someday...and that I have to be ok with not knowing if the flowers ever happen. The longer I teach, the more I realize I have to be ok with not knowing what happens, with trusting that God has it all under control. I have done the best I could and that it is no longer in my hands.  The second part of the sentence reads "dark", but it truly the human condition--we are all in the dark to some degree and we are all (at least occasionally) confused about what we should be doing.  As a teacher, I sometimes struggle (in the dark) with "what on earth" to do for or with a student...I struggle with have I done enough and did I do the right things? I have to be ok without resolution.

The last couple sentences spoke to me about allowing myself to continue to grow and change--that  I don't have to be who I've always been, who I was a year ago, or even a day ago--I can still grow and change.  I feel like there sometimes is the societal expectation that I'm a real grown-up now and should know what I'm doing and what I want to do next...and I read this as, "you know what?  Its ok if you don't know what you want to do next--choose happiness at this moment and the future will take care of itself"...Happiness is right here, right now, if I will open my eyes and choose it.  I love the "with reckless abandon" line--the idea of choosing happiness recklessly--choose happiness without worrying about what could happen in the future...choose happiness even during a global pandemic when things are really weird...choose happiness always... (and that, could be a blog post by itself, right?  What is happiness?  How do we choose happiness even when things aren't great?)

So, in conclusion, (a phrase I tell my students not to use...eye roll)...I'm fine, everything's fine...just being reflective....hoping that you dear readers are also well...although I'm pretty sure I speak regularly to most of you...when I started this blog years ago I dreamed (a little) of being a "famous mommy blogger"...but realize that my audience is pretty small and that, too, is just fine :) (So that's another "let it go"😀)  Like and subscribe for more content from the Suburban Ranch.....😁