Instructions to my houseguests....

Have you ever written something and afterwards thought, “Good Grief, I’m a nut”?  Here are the (slightly edited) instructions I left for recent houseguests—maybe they are only funny if you “were there”.

Hi!

So there are two “easy” ways to get to our house from the airport—neither one is actually easy in a rental car…sorry…The easiest right now is to take the toll road (xxxx South, towards The Springs).  Make sure you ask the rental car company how that works with a rental car though—there aren’t any toll booths, it is all license plate or transponder based.  The other option is to take the non-tolled highway South, which is under construction and is kind of like driving through a strange maze…but no tolls.  Either way, you’ll take the Airport Highway towards Town, then either highway x or highway z South to the Valley Highway South The Outlet Mall Exit), then head west (right, towards the mountains).  If you need directions from there I can send them or you can put it in your GPS and I can check to make sure it makes sense if you want me to.  Either way should take about fifty minutes, barring any craziness, like the highway being under more construction or a blizzard.

The house address is xxxx Loop—I’m sure you have that somewhere, but now you have it “in your phone”.  There’s a chance that Mr. Ranch and/or I will be home as well, depending on how long it takes you to get luggage, rental car, drive, etc.  If you want to call or text when you leave the airport, try us at work (or cells) first, but you don’t have to.  The garage door code is xxx, but when you get there, either call the house phone, ring the bell, or knock so that The Girl has time to put the dogs outside or at least put Liberty in her kennel.  It might take her a minute, Lib still outweighs her by 30 lbs (coincidentally, the weight of the children, 78 plus 62 plus your child’s 22=162 and the weight of the dogs, 45 plus 115=160, are roughly equal now).

If you forget anything (or just need provisions) there are several options at our exit—Walgreens, Super Walmart, Sort of Super-Target(some groceries, but not a great selection), Vitamin Cottage(again, some groceries, but not a great selection), King Soopers (grocery store), Sprouts (organic grocery, not huge, but adequate) as well as the outlet mall with all its glory.

As long as my secretary doesn't schedule a 3:00 meeting (which she mentioned she might do, because I think she hates me), I should be home before 4:00.  The plan for dinner is a fish bake at home—tilapia in kitchen freezer, baked potatoes (or home fries if we prefer), and, um, other food.  There is a lot of food in the fridge…I’m not even sure what…there was some fresh broccoli in the drawer if your little guy wants a snack and still likes it and there should be cereal (cheerios) in the pantry if that is more interesting.  You can, of course, eat anything you find, The Girl (in theory) should be able to help you find stuff…although she is related to her father.  If we don’t feel like cooking, we can go up to the fish bake/fry at church, but we do have stuff at home.

You guys get our deluxe guest accommodations in The Girl’s room—there is a double bed (and a loft, if you want to relive your college years) and I’ll set up the pack and play and you can move it wherever works in the room.  I’ll get her to clean up, but that room won’t be childproofed—we’ll try to semi-childproof the family room downstairs so your poor child doesn't have to spend his weekend on someone’s lap (unless he wants to). 

Have a safe trip—send me a note if you need me to pick up anything else specific before you get here, although I make no promises, it has been a crazy week already!